When we become caged by the opinions of others
How judgment distances us from others — and from ourselves
Judgement is a sneaky habit
Hardly a day goes by that I do not hear someone complaining about, criticizing or putting down someone else. It is a big part of our culture to talk about others, and it might be as subtle as appearing to express concern about another, but also implying judgement.
We can more or less refer to this habit as gossiping : the act of talking about someone who is not present, often sharing information — true or not — about their personal life, behavior, or character. This habit has always been a pet-peeve of mine, but I can’t tell you that I have not participated in it myself.
Sometimes it can be difficult to resist. By partaking in the conversation and enabling it, we can feel a sense of belonging that we might otherwise feel we are missing out on. Speaking up and expressing our values can seem risky and walking away can be awkward. In other cases, we might simply override our own judgement and come back to our senses after the fact, regretting our behavior and wondering what came over us.
Putting a definite end to this habit is easier said than done and calls for a regular practice of self-awareness and self-observation. Like with any undesirable habit, we can abandon this self-work as we become absorbed in the busyness of our external lives — work, family, health, etc.
What judgement reveals about us
Changing this habit can be challenging. I often feel discouraged by my failure to completely eradicate old habits, but I find relief in remembering how far I have come. We will spend our lives cultivating self-awareness and embodying our best selves. The idea is not to achieve perfection, but to experience the gratification of doing better and better.
The process of observing our judgements and reframing them is a lifelong one. It does us no good to be hard on ourselves for stooping to the level of criticizing others. The act of doing so implies a lack of compassion and understanding. We are not in their shoes and if we were, we would probably give them some slack.
The way we see others can also reflect how we see ourselves. If we are hard on ourselves, we may very well be hard on ourselves. In this way, refraining how we see others can be a reflection of our own personal growth. The kindness we extend to others begins to reflect the kindness we offer ourselves.
Judgement, therefore, reveals our own insecurities, fears, unmet needs and desire to feel in control. We feel better temporarily, but this lift in mood is artificial — it doesn’t last and is unsustainable. True happiness is experienced when we feel connected to others. This feeling of connectedness implies heightened empathy, understanding, and compassion. We see the humanity and good in others and wish them well.
The flip side : When fear of judgment can paralyze us
There is another side to judgment : the fear of being judged.
This fear has personally caused me a lot of suffering in my life. It was the invisible box that left me feeling trapped, small, insignificant, even ashamed. It affected my self-esteem and led me to seek validation outside of myself.
If I could go back in time and speak to my younger self, I would tell her that she is wonderful just the way she is — however lost, confused, afraid. However much she doubted herself. I would encourage her to trust herself, not to fix her life or be someone worthy in the eyes of others, but to navigate her fears and the resulting confusion. I would tell her that she doesn’t need to be different, do anything differently, or be somewhere different in order to be worthy.
But I would also acknowledge that she had a journey ahead of her and the only way forward was through. She would face criticisms from others, hurtful comments, have boundaries crossed, be exploited. It was all part of the journey and this is okay.
If she did not carry the need to be seen for who she was, for the value she could naturally offer, her life would be so much easier. She would live with joy, make friends much more easily and life a life with abundant gratitude — smiling, thriving.
When we internalize the criticism and opinions of others, it can paralyze our creativity and self-expression. We refrain from expressing ourselves authentically and we can come across as rigid, afraid, anxious.
The good news is that the progress can be incremental and it is no less meaningful.
What judging and fearing judgement have in common
A small detail that is often overlooked is that judgment and fear of judgement have the same origin.
Both are rooted in insecurity.
The one who judges desires the elevated mood that this behavior can temporarily bring — the feeling of being better, more knowledgeable, more informed, more experienced, etc. They are above the behavior of the one they are criticizing.
True confidence is based in the wisdom that we are all having our own human experience — we all have our lessons and together we create a complete picture. One might be learning patience, another compassion. Rather than putting each other down for their mistakes, for their blind spots, we should be uplifting and encouraging each other. If we wanted a better and healthier society, we would be rooting for each other and share our knowledge and experience to help everyone to be their best selves. This is the higher expression of the one that judges.
Criticizing another, on the other hand, implies that you lack compassion and perspective, however temporarily. Sometimes we slip up — we are only human after all. We hold the belief that it is not okay to had negative patterns, overlooking the fact that we are all imperfect — even the one that is noticing the imperfections in another.
For the one that is afraid of being judged, theirs is the path towards greater confidence and self-esteem. They are learning to trust their own voice and not give away their power by giving too much weight to the opinions and perspectives of another. If they truly saw their value and believed in their worth, they would pay no attention to the negative comments and opinions of others and they would not need validation outside of themselves. They would simply enjoy their life and move forward with excitement and joy. Simple as that.
But as long as they are struggling to direct their attention away from the judgement of others, they will life through events that will serve them, helping them to develop the self-awareness that will being inner growth and a resulting sense of fulfillment. The journey is the destination!
Both sides, therefore, are part of the whole and we have more in common than we do differences. Both sides have the potential to heal and express themselves authentically from the heart, leading to mediation, healthy intimacy and renewed relationships.
Compassion is the solution
Compassion is the way forward for us all, for ourselves and others. It will bring understanding, openness, and lead to acts of kindness. The more we treat others as we would want to be treated, the more fulfilled and connected we will fill — a feeling that we are all ultimately after!
I will leave you with a reflective prompt that may lead to insights into your own hidden fears and limiting beliefs:
“What part of me is seeking love or approval right now?”
When we stop judging and start creating, we come back home to ourselves, and reconnect with one another.
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